Funny Sex Stories to Turn You 50 Shades of Red

by Lovehoney

on Mar 30, 2023

Tales with the perfect mix of cringe and crudeness to celebrate Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Funny sex stories - summary image

While we can’t compete with the world-class comedy kicking off in the streets of Melbourne, we can certainly add to the laughter with a few cheeky stories from the Lovehoney community. Because hey, sex can be just as belly-laughing funny as it is mind-blowing thrilling.

We hope this collection of saucy sagas reminds you that at its core, sex should be a playful exploration of sensations, stimulations and preferences. Being vulnerable with your partner can lead to greater connection, so don’t be afraid to test out that new toy or position! Sometimes the most memorable moments come from experimenting, collapsing in uncontrollable laughter, adjusting and trying again.

So, here’s to turning those giggles into groans! With just enough bare butts and stray dildos to make anyone blush, we hope these tales tickle your funny bone today.

Choosing the right drill for the job

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"A few years ago, I had an engineer come to my house to install cable and internet. I had no idea they would need to go into my bedroom, until they turned up and told me they needed access to the window in there. I hadn’t cleaned up things in the room, but I gave them access without thinking too much about it.

After finishing the job, they left giggling and looking at me strangely. It was only then that I realised my massive 15 inch Rambone Dildo was sitting right next to where they had been drilling into the wall…"

“The tide is high but I’m holding on”

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"On one of our holidays, my partner and I ended up purchasing two mini wooden surfboards. On our journey back home, we placed them in the bag with the OH’s cosmetics bag (containing a few more personal items). Baggage check-in went smoothly, and we flew home without any trouble.

As we were waiting at the baggage claim for our luggage to come around the carousel, we started to hear this jackhammer-like sound getting louder and louder. As more luggage started moving around the carousel, it was clear it was coming from a bag.

Turns out, it was our bag.

What ended up happening was that the cosmetic bag had popped open, causing my OH’s hard plastic vibrators to fall out. With all the movement from the luggage transport, the vibe button had been pushed and the moving toy eventually become wedged in between the two boards with just enough space to make all sorts of racket.

Everyone around started looking at the bag inquisitively as it went around. When it finally made it to me, I said audibly “oh hey, that’s my bag!”, grabbed it and walked away like there was nothing to see here… as it continued to make jackhammer sounds the whole walk out of the airport. I even heard one girl talking to her friend near me right before I picked the bag up say, '10 bucks that’s a vibrator in there.'"

The magic touch

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"One of the funniest moments in my life was after my partner and I had sex for the first time, and she managed to have her first orgasm. This was a bit of a shock to her, and it took her a few moments to compose herself. I was still on top and we had shared a few kisses, all glassy-eyed and flushed, but before either of us said anything, she looked me dead in the eyes and said:

"You’re a wizard harry."

The room went silent and then we both just fell to pieces laughing. Even now, she still gives me a smile and calls me a wizard."

“Who’s willy is it?”

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"My partner and I enjoy introducing sex toys into our alone time. After a good session, we always make sure to clean and leave our toys out to dry before putting them back in their bags and in the toy box. We also recently got a puppy who will pick up and run off with anything she thinks looks remotely chewable. You see where this is going.

One morning after a good night session and before we had a chance to put our now clean and dry toys away, my 5-year-old son entered our bedroom and shouted:

"The dog has bitten someone's willy off!"

And well, there are only two people with a willy in our house. Him and me, but it clearly wasn't him, so I checked mine... nope all ok. Big relief. But then, who's willy is it?

I run downstairs to see a tiny puppy struggling to bite and pick up our Lifelike 8 inch bright pink dildo. Never in my life had I imagined that at 5am in the morning, I would be chasing my 13-week-old puppy around shouting "give me the willy”, with my son beside me in hysterics. We told him that it was a left-over school prop from studying biology at 'big school'."

The late-night storm

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"One night, my hubby and I decided to experiment with using a bullet vibrator together (previously I had only used one on my own). The kids were in bed and with the house so quiet, we were panicking about how loud the bullet seemed. However, we convinced ourselves that we were being paranoid and after there were no movements heard from the kids' rooms, we carried on with gusto.

The next morning, my 11-year-old turned to me and asked, "did you hear the thunder last night? It was really loud, kept me awake for ages!"

Safe to say, there was no thunder..."

The Slip ’N Slide

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"My ex really enjoyed very slippery massages with lots of oil, so to keep things clean we bought one of those large PVC sheets to put over the bed. The next time we were alone, everything was going wonderfully - all nice and slippery and having lots of fun.

Then he decided he wanted to use our new mains-powered wand on me to see how it would feel for an actual massage. This quickly progressed into the wand being used more intimately. It felt so good in fact, that I got lost in the feelings. I completely forgot about where I was or what I was sitting on, so I arched my back and dug my feet down just at the point of a very explosive moment... Whoosh! Off I shot, straight off the side of the bed.

Now, this is where you can imagine lots of giggles and asking if I was alright in between laughing would occur, and you'd be right. But that wasn't the funniest part. As I slowly managed to get myself up, I bent over to pick up something I'd knocked off the bedside table. As I bent over, my ex descended into absolute howls of laughter. After eventually getting him to be able to breathe and speak again, all he could manage to say was:

"Fuzzy Butt."

Perplexed, I wandered around to look in the mirror and promptly joined him in side-splitting laughter. As I had shot off the bed, my landing had been broken by the rather comfy and plush cat bed. Unfortunately for me, it was mid-summer and my cat had been moulting like crazy. Then, remember all that lovely slippery oil?

My backside and most of my back were completely covered in cat hair!"

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Written by Lovehoney. For collaborative posts between Lovehoney team members and guest authors
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Originally published on Mar 30, 2023. Updated on Mar 30, 2023