Getting the Attraction Back with Cam Fraser

by Cam Fraser

on Feb 7, 2023

Cam shares three simple steps to reigniting the sexual spark in your relationship.

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If you’ve been in a relationship for any period of time, you may have noticed some of the intense attraction and burning passion you felt at the beginning of the relationship start to fade and simmer down. This lowering in fiery desire is a very common experience for couples, leading many to seek guidance on how to fan the flames and light the spark again. If you’ve recently joined the fleet of fading attraction, here are a few suggestions for getting your relationship back on track.

Firstly, consider prioritising the fostering of emotional intimacy. If this isn’t something you’re already doing, then it is the first place you should start. While some may not like to admit it, attraction and good sex are built on a foundation of emotional intimacy and closeness. Emotional connection begets physical and sexual connection. So, leaning into your vulnerability and sharing openly about your needs, wants, and desires is an important first step for reigniting the burning passion.

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Secondly, schedule in solo play time for yourself, alongside your usual partnered play during the month. There is a clear tension between familiarity and eroticism, with eroticism decreasing as familiarity increases. Scheduling in time for you and your partner to spend time apart, perhaps each doing something that makes you feel sexy and confident, is one way to swing the scale the right way. Create a bit of energetic distance and then come back together.

Relatedly, it can be beneficial to focus on affectionate touch during the times you’ve scheduled to be sexual together. Many couples may habitually go straight for penetrative sex or follow a routine when it comes physical intimacy. Shifting your focus to affectionate touch instead, such as giving and receiving a back or shoulder rub, can not only foster closeness but also allow sexual tension and anticipation to build.

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Thirdly, try new things together. This could mean partaking in a new hobby, visiting new places, or introducing novelty into the bedroom. It’s worth noting that couples often start at this step, however I suggest establishing emotional intimacy and navigating the tension between familiarity and eroticism first before you introduce a bit of variety. After all, buying a new sex toy without addressing a lack of trust in a relationship is unlikely to leave you desperate to be alone with your partner. That being said, if you do feel ready to introduce something new, the Lovehoney Wild Weekend Mega Couple's Sex Toy Kit offers 11 products to try with your partner. The exploration, experimentation, and playfulness that comes from testing out a range of toys can help rebuild attraction and sexual chemistry in your relationship.

As they say, variety is the spice of life. In extension, variety is also the spice of your sex life. While this could mean experimenting with a variety of different partners, it also means trying a variety of different things with the same partner. Varying the kind of sex that you have, in addition to sharing your fantasies and boundaries, can reduce the sense of stifling familiarity and rekindle your passion long into the future.

Remember, while it is completely normal for your attraction to fluctuate over time, a sudden and drastic shift might be cause for concern. A normal decline in passion and attraction is different from feelings of disgust, repulsion, and aversion to your partner. The latter is usually a sign that there is something else going on. However, if your relationship is strong and you’re just wanting to reignite the passion, give these suggestions a try and see what happens.

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Cam Fraser

Written by Cam Fraser. Lovehoney Australia's Resident Sex Coach
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Originally published on Feb 7, 2023. Updated on Feb 15, 2023