Red Light, Green Light: How to Masturbate When You Live With Your Parents
on Nov 19, 2021
You’re probably thinking this is going to be about a fun, new sex game based off of Netflix’s Squid Game, and let me tell you, I wish it was.
Instead, this take on 'Red Light, Green Light' is in regards to, put simply, a horny person’s hell.
Being a 20-year-old student, I’m in the awkward stage in my life where I do my own thing but I’m not quite fully independent yet because I’m still living under the same roof as my parents. I’m sure many of you can relate.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for my parents but if anyone gets in the way of me being in the mood, then we’ve got an issue.
However, as someone great (couldn’t tell you who) once said, “obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for,” and let me tell you, masturbation is damn worth it.
These are the trials and tribulations of being a young adult with raging hormones and living with a parent who could learn a thing or two about privacy.
I know my mother’s footsteps from a mile away. They’re heavy, determined, and move a million kilometres an hour. This means when on her mission from the living room to my bedroom, I have approximately 30 seconds to get my hands out of my pants.
Here you might be thinking, obviously she’ll knock? You thought right. However, if you’re in a similar environment, you’ll know of the knock-that’s-not-a-knock because rather than waiting to be invited in, the knocker will just swing open the door and step right in.
Let me be clear, I’m not putting any stigma around masturbating—and it’s definitely not a life or death situation—but I’m sure we can all agree, we’d rather not get in a situation where our parents see what we get up to under the sheets.
This is when the exhausting (but necessary) fun of 'Red Light, Green Light' comes into play. Don’t worry, no one gets killed.
I am a proud owner of the Womanizer Starlet Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator, and I want to take a moment to give this little but powerful contraption a shout out because this is what it goes through on a regular basis:
Let’s turn this baby on by holding down the button. A few clicks to get those different vibrations going...
Oh, what’s that? Footsteps I hear?
Hold down the button for a second or two to turn it off.
Unimportant question which could’ve been discussed later is asked by my mother, it’s answered, room is left
Let’s try to get in the mood again...
You get the point.
Throughout my time experiencing the adrenaline rush which is “red light, green light”, my top hack is purchasing a discreet and quiet vibrator. The Starlet features make it easy to turn off, and it’s small enough to hide under your pillow.
Don’t do what I did and forget to put your vibrator back in your draw straight away.
You might fall asleep next to it and when your parents come in to check on you, they could find you spooning your sex toy as you sleep. Thanks for checking on me mum, but sorry you had to see that.
Another hack is appreciating and making full use of the other rooms in your house with locks —for example, the toilet or bathroom. The shower head can do so much more than clean you just ICYMI. Plus if you’re into watching stuff while you masturbate, running shower water is a great noise canceller.
I’m a big advocate for sex positivity, but you also gotta do what you gotta do to avoid any awkward encounters when you’re living with the ‘rents. Your life might not be on the line, but a quick off button on your vibrator never hurt anybody.