Want to Become a Sexting Pro? Here's How!

by supercutesecret

on Jan 31, 2017

Lovehoney Student Sex Advice

We’ve all had those moments where we aren’t physically with someone, but we can’t help but think of all the sexy things we’d love to be doing with them right then.

Whether it’s a partner of years or just someone really hot who you’re casually talking to, the urge to get them as turned on as you are is an exciting thought.

Sexting is an awesome tool for setting the mood and making your intentions known. However, not all of us are pros at this particular activity, and expressing yourself sexually via the written word can often come less naturally than expression in physical form.

It has been a learning curve from when I first started engaging in sexting a few years ago, but as someone who feels they have come a long way and become more comfortable over time, here are my top ten do’s and don’ts to make sexting an exciting, enjoyable and non-intimidating experience every time.

Take Precautions

Think that, just because you're not physically touching another person, this sex is safe? Not necessarily so…

DO be safe and understand the risks

Before sending a suggestive message to someone, be it in any form of media, text or otherwise, make sure you know what you are getting into. Many people believe the risks are too great and choose to not engage in this activity due to the potential for this private material to somehow become not so private anymore.

Before you decide to take the risk yourself, evaluate the situation first. How well do you know and trust this person? Are you sure they will definitely keep all communication between you two private? What if they turn out to not be very trustworthy? Will the consequences be devastating or a minor inconvenience?

Obviously, if you're sexting your husband or long-term girlfriend, for example, the risks are rather low, but for some random stranger you met on Tinder, you might want to swap your lustful cap for your logical one. Just be sure you are 100% aware of what you are potentially letting yourself in for.

DON'T feel pressurised

If you are not so sure about engaging in sexting, never do it for anyone else's reasons but your own. If you do not want to, do not be coaxed in. Only sext with people who respect you as a person and accept your choices.

If you have said no, and someone starts making you feel pressurised, or starts giving you ultimatums, ditch them. Sexting is supposed to be an enjoyable consensual activity for both parties and should never be done as an obligation. Much like physical sexual acts, sexting is an activity that requires willing consent from both parties.

DON'T pressurise an unwilling partner

Similarly, the above point works both ways. Just because you might be in the mood for some dirty talk, the object of your affections might not be.

Don't take it personally if not – they might be busy, or stressed, or just not particularly horny that day. Much like you should never be pressurised, neither should your sexting partner, so don't pressurise them.

If they outright say they don't feel like it, if they ignore your approach, or if they move along to a different topic very quickly, don't persist. Much as you yourself would like to be respected, respect others' choices also.

Talk Dirty To Me

So you've weighed up the risks, and decided to go for it - what next?

DO have your own style of sext

A lot of apprehension around sexting can simply be down to having to write down and describe in words things that you would be able to show physically if you were there with them.

You have to remember there is no one correct way of doing this. I have sexted with someone who like writing long paragraphs, going into detail. I have also sexted with someone who only sent short sentences at a time, which were much more vague and less explicit. Either way, it still was a fun experience and still got the job done.

The best advice I can give is to try adapt to the person you are messaging and match them; that way, you are both more likely to be on the same page. If you are unsure about what to type, try to ask questions, which then gives the other person room to do more talking and also make you feel more comfortable for when you reply, since you can judge their mood and style of talking better.

Basically, just try to be confident and type what is in your mind, even if you wouldn't necessarily say it out loud – much like any type of writing, the getting started is the hardest bit and once you get going, get into the swing of things, it becomes much easier and flows much more effortlessly.

DON'T use unappealing language

Whilst I very believe you should express yourself and your desires in whatever way makes you most comfortable, there are also certain words that a lot of people find unappealing.

Overly explicit terms and even some general words like "moist" are often best avoided when trying to get someone in the mood (at least until you have established that they are okay with this type of talk).

DO be spontaneous

We've had it where an unexpected text message out of the blue from someone has made our day and put a smile on our face for a good while afterwards. There's no reason this text message cannot be a sext!

From a significant other, a cheeky message, perhaps pertaining to when you see them later that day, can make a boring day into an exciting one with a naughty prospect awaiting. This means sexting is also a hugely effective foreplay for the day, so that when you see each other at night, the tension is so high you cannot keep your hands off each other!

DO use sexting to test new ideas and limits

When wanting to try something new in the bedroom, it can be hard to bring it up and actually ask when you are unsure how your partner will react. Sexting is a good way of testing the boundaries and seeing how receptive your partner is to a new idea.

Subtly try to slip in the thing you want to try. Build up to it, lead in with ever closer references to what you want to do. If they appear to be into it, keep going further. If they try steering the action away, then you know to perhaps not broach that subject for the moment.

Testing these ideas can be much less scary over a screen when you can't see the person's face and that little extra confidence it brings could help you try out something new in the bedroom in real life.

DO know it's OK to embellish the truth

There are times I have sexted and when, I've been asked questions, I have embellished the truth.

When I first started sexting, I thought I had to be turned on and actively engaging every time. Sometimes, though, it's fine to enjoy sexting and knowing you're turning your partner on, but not necessarily engaged from your own end.

If he asks what you're wearing and really it's a pair of snuggly pyjamas, it's fine to describe your sexiest underwear instead – he'll never know! Similarly, if he asks what you're doing right now and you're actually doing a quiz about what type of potato you are, it is totally fine to make up a scenario to reply with instead.

Just because you are not actually in wild throes of self-passion in that moment does not matter – you can still enjoy the sexting and enjoy knowing you're turning your partner on all the same. it's all fantasy, after all!

DO keep your sext life private

Much like you would expect of the person receiving your messages, have the courtesy of keeping their messages private and known to only yourself. They are trusting you as much as you are trusting them, and sexual habits are a private and sensitive matter that not many people particularly want airing out for all to see.

Be courteous and respect their privacy, especially if any of what you discuss is seen as being out-of-the-ordinary.

And finally…

DON’T send to the wrong person!

This is the number one rule for avoiding embarrassment! Double-check before you click the send button. It’s so simple, but you’ll be thankful later.

Blogger supercutesecret is an established sex and relationships blogger, who studies Maths & Statistics at the University of Warwick.

The Lovehoney Oh Spot

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Written by supercutesecret.

Originally published on Jan 31, 2017. Updated on Aug 6, 2020