46 Things Nobody Wants to Hear in Bed

by Cara

on Mar 28, 2018

Somtimes, sex can be very awkward. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. When you’re naked and getting it on with your partner, whether it’s your long-term squeeze or a one-night stand, a single wrong line can kill the mood entirely.

Of course, if you’re super comfortable around someone there’s nothing wrong with some jokes and giggles during sex, but if it’s a new partner or you don’t know them particularly well, knowing where the boundaries are isn't always so simple.

So to help you avoid any awkward silences in the place of heavy breathing and contented moans, I’ve put together a list of some of the most cringey, awkward, and uncomfortable things that you should definitely never say in the bedroom.

Got any of your own? Be sure to add them to the comments!

Any cringey euphemism that will definitely put you both out of the mood:

1. 'I'm taking you to Pound Town.'

2. 'How about we go to the bone zone?'

3. 'Let me slam that clam.'

4. 'Are you ready for sexytimes?'

5. 'Wanna bump uglies?'

6. 'I'm about to pork you.'

While these may make your partner giggle, they’re about as arousing as stubbing your toe. Repeatedly.

But don’t use overly clinical words either:

7. 'Prepare for intercourse.'

8. 'Let's initiate coitus.'

9. 'Engaging intimate relations.'

10. 'Time to fornicate.'

Unless your partner gets all hot and bothered when you sound like Spock or Sheldon Cooper, it's probably better to keep things a bit more natural.

Don't mention anything about their body or performance that could hurt your partner’s feelings:

11. 'Oh, it's cute.'

12. 'Is it in yet?'

13. 'Uhh, maybe keep your clothes on.'

14. 'Is that it?'

15. 'It's fine, everyone looks weird naked.'

16. 'Are you finished already?'

17. 'Are you finished yet?'

If you have a problem with your partner’s performance, it’s best to communicate it later in a non-sexual setting - not when they're naked and vulnerable.

Misunderstandings about the female anatomy and orgasm:

18. 'Is this the right hole?'

19. 'If you need lube, you must not be attracted to me.'

20. 'You must be able to cum from penetration. All my other partners have.'

21. 'Something must be wrong with you if I can't get you off.'

22. 'I'm great at oral; my last partner came 115067 times.'

Understand that everyone is different and there isn’t really a ‘normal’ for sex. And never, never compare one partner's performance to another.

And on a serious note, if they say any of these get as far away as possible:

23. 'I don't use condoms.'

24. 'We don't need protection; don't you trust me?'

25. 'Nah, we don't need a safe word.'

26. 'No, we have to have sex now, you've got me worked up.'

27. 'I haven't been tested in years.'

28. 'You have a boner/are wet so you must want to have sex with me.'

Remember: your health and consent are most important.

Remember to steer clear of this these awkward post-sex lines:

29. 'No, don’t go to the bathroom, let’s cuddle.'

30. Literally anything about your ex.

31. 'So, was that your first time, or what?'

32. 'OK, I’ll order your Uber now.'

33. 'Did you cum?'

If you have to ask if they came, the likelihood is that they didn't. And seriously, ladies, UTIs are no joke. Always pee after sex!

And please, PLEASE, avoid at all costs:

34. 'Yee-haw'

35. 'So, how's your mum?'

36. 'The blue whale has the world's largest penis, at 8-10 feet long.'

37. Any nickname like 'buddy'.

38. Or 'pal'.

39. Or 'sport'.

40. 'I can tell you were trying really hard – you're covered in sweat.'

41. 'Wanna see my rash?'

42. 'Giddy-up!'

43. 'How come the Weasley twins never saw Peter Pettigrew on the Marauders Map? Surely they would have noticed a strange man in Ron's bed? It makes no sense!'

44. 'What's your name again?'

45. 'Decent effort.'

46. 'Are we done here?'

Cara is a student blogger for Lovehoney. She studies English and appreciates grammatically correct erotica written in the active voice.

The Lovehoney Oh Spot

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Written by Cara.

Originally published on Mar 28, 2018. Updated on Aug 6, 2020