Self-Love Sessions: ​ Understanding Your Sexual Fantasies

by Chelle

on Dec 31, 2022

Steamy secrets, dirty dreaming, lustful liaisons – regardless of whether we act them out or not, sexual fantasies are completely normal. With many of us admitting to having one, two (or more), of our own, they might just be more common than you’d think too.

But what are they?

Understanding your sexual fantasies

What Are Sexual Fantasies?

Think of sexual fantasies as a full spectrum of sexual self-exploration. They can come to us in many ways, from quiet erotic thoughts, to being aroused by reading an adult fiction book or watching our hottest hypothetical scenarios play out through the visuals of pornography– and the type of fantasy? Well, that can vary too.

Some of the most common fantasies include power dynamics, role play, BDSM and bondage, group sex and threesomes, infidelity, voyeurism and exhibitionism, to name just a few. Like all aspects of our sexuality, our fantasies are entirely individual and can be as diverse as we are as people.

To each of us, what rocks our socks is uniquely personal and can even change, waiver and alter with time.

Sometimes, sexual fantasies can take us by surprise. Ever told someone you’re not particularly kinky, only to find yourself day-dreaming about getting freaky with the frisky?

There’s no shame in feeling energized by something you find erotically exciting. Even when those fantasies blur the lines or seem too taboo to share, there’s just one real rule to playing (and fantasizing) safely.

If your fantasy falls within the remit of safe, sane and consensual, it’s harmless to indulge in a little sexual escapism.

Discover your fantasies

Discovering Your Sexual Fantasies

Thinking and talking about our sexual fantasies is a healthy thing to do, but many of us can feel shy in exploring what really turns us on. It might be that you’ve never given your subconscious sexual mind the credit it deserves or have been quite conservative about what gets you feeling hot under the collar.

If you’re just beginning to dip your toes into fantasy-land, here are three ways to discover your sexual muse.

Take Inspiration

Watching pornography, reading an erotic book, listening to a super-hot Spotify playlist or talking dirty with your partner can all be great ways to get those more intimate fantasies fired up. Even a brief, light-hearted conversation with a friend can be enough to get those risqué juices flowing.

Spend Time Alone

Ah, the classic ‘Go Masturbate’ line. No, really… go masturbate! Spending time alone with your thoughts can stir up all kinds of feelings and emotions. From intense arousal to slow seduction, playing with yourself and your kinks is a healthy way to explore your deeper, untold fantasies in the confinement of your own boundaries.

Play A Game

Unsure of what fantasies there even are to discover? There are so many to choose from! Write out around 20-30 sexual fantasies onto strips of paper – then play a game with your partner. You could choose to put each strip into a balloon then take turns popping the balloons one by one to reveal the fantasy inside.

Discuss whether you’d like to try it, have thought about it or whether it’s a definite no on your fantasy wish-list. If balloons aren’t for you, use the same technique for a deck of cards or a quick round of erotic ‘pass the parcel’.

These are fun ways to engage with one another without feeling too much pressure or vulnerability in revealing your sexual desires.

Understanding your sexual fantasies

Understanding Your Sexual Fantasies

Our sexual fantasies are an extension of who we are, but sometimes, we can become reserved about sharing them or exploring them. This is most often because we don’t really understand them. When you know what your sexual fantasies are and why they arouse you, it becomes less daunting to enjoy them.

Compare With Reality

Some fantasies are just that – fantasies. They haunt the horniest corners of our minds and never venture out into the open, and that’s absolutely fine. Comparing your fantasy to the realms, boundaries and physical limitations of reality can help you identify whether your saucy secret is one you want to reveal or act out.

Ask yourself “is this something you would really like to experience?” and “Could this hurt someone or myself if I act it out?” to determine whether your fantasies should become real intentions.

Connect With Your Muse

So, you’ve been fantasizing about cheating on your other half, but do you really want to break your lover’s trust? Usually not. It might be that you enjoy the thought of experiencing another sexual partner, or that you like the mental idea of doing something you shouldn’t – it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to stray within your relationship.

Often, there’s a hidden attraction to our fantasies. For example, if you’ve imagined being erotically kidnapped, it could be that it’s the thought of being vulnerable and submissive that appeals rather than being physically restrained.

Acting out your fantasies

Acting Out Your Sexual Fantasies

Discuss With Your Partner

Ready to take your fantasies from mind to motion? Just make sure you have an informed conversation with your special other before making the dream a reality. Ensure you’re both on the same page, both equally enthusiastic, consenting and ready to explore.

Establish Your Boundaries

It may be that you both are keen to experiment but setting boundaries and knowing each other’s comfort levels is important to enjoying your fantasies together. Take note of each other’s feelings and check in with one another. Even if you are single and wanting to explore your sexual fantasies, you should never feel pressured into doing anything that might make you feel uncomfortable.

Introduce Toys

Toys can be a great way to begin dipping your toes into your very own sexual fantasy-land. Life-like masturbators can imitate the real thing without risking emotional threat. Bondage toys like floggers, whips, canes and restraints are ideal for experimenting with power-play and living out those imaginative BDSM scenarios.

Role Play

If your fantasies involve being someone else or being with someone else – role play is a fantastic way to spice up your more vanilla moments. Try slipping into a sexy secretary costume to act out that intimate office scene or pull out the cuffs and truncheon for a risqué game of cops and robbers.

Protect Your Safety and Privacy

Above all else, when playing with your fantasies – stay safe. From using physical protection like condoms and contraceptives, to using safe-words as and when needed. If your fantasies include sexting, or being involved in any way online, remember you don’t have to reveal your full identity. Protect your privacy by only sharing what you are truly comfortable with.

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Written by Chelle. Lovehoney Editorial Team
Chelle is a multi-published adult author who believes great sex starts with having the confidence to explore your fantasies in the bedroom.
A bondage and kink enthusiast, Chelle is also an advocate for BDSM education, and when she’s not writing blogs for Lovehoney, you'll find her planning for her next erotica novel.

Originally published on Dec 31, 2022. Updated on Dec 30, 2022